Bond Rolled

This is MARTHA!

Sitting up in her bed, listening to the barrage of raindrops on the top of her tin covered shack, she remembered the good times she had on her families farm. Then, in the corner of her room, she seemed to notice a small line begin to grow out of nothing. Like a thunderbolt of dark, streaking from about Bond height to the floor, then slowly beginning to widen. A streak of lightning struck outside her luxurious and flooding home, filling the room with a flash of light. She rolls her spot check, remembers its 4th edition in this story, so she reaches into her bedside table and pulls out her 4th ed sheet.
Rolling Perception, in the flash of light, she see's a pair of yellow eyes in the ever widening crack of shadow. Below the eyes, a mouth, grinning fangs, blood dripping from it jowls. But Martha is an experienced home decorator, she knows exactly what it is. Its the unholy embodiment of a help desk caller, undoubtedly coming to slay her with swords made out of "Why is my monitor black?" when all they have to do is turn on the damned thing.
Leaping up in her bed, Martha makes a heroic leap to her bookcase, grabs her Tome of Town Portal, throws it open, grabs a scroll from inside, and stands before the expanding crack in reality. She could hear the User breathing now, deep breaths of air, filling its lungs with air while breathing. Then, all of a shudden, the crack tore open, and the User cried "The printer is out of ink!" and leaped forward.
Martha threw the Scroll of Town Portal onto the ground to activate it. The stupid bitch forgot you read the damn thing to activate it, and was barreled over by the User. Like a rolling, drooling, orgasming ball of junk, the two flew through the open door out into the rain. I'm tired of writing now, so someone finish it.